The bird from hell

WE might as well call it the devil’s-vessel-to-drag-you-to-misery. This vile looking thing also goes by the name Flappy Bird.

I think there is nothing ‘flappy’ about it. The word ‘bird’ is also questionable. ‘Flappy’, to me, conjures images of people flapping their arms, in joy, usually after they accomplish something.

When you play this game you don’t flap. You coil yourself into a foetal position. There’s nothing to flap about. Flap if you ask me is also a stupid word. Like flan...only, you can eat flan. The bird? It is not so much a bird. It is some weirdly deformed flying fish which comes out of some botched lips enhancement. Don’t be fooled by those big innocent eyes.

Having said that, I am glad to hear that the creator, Vietnamese Dong Nguyen, has decided to end all this madness. After raking in almost $50k per day in ads revenue, I applaud his decision to just end this worldwide suffering. I don’t know if $50k a day is enough to restore your self-confidence after being cursed more than the person who invented rigid plastic clamshell packages.

I tried the game for a day. Even recommended it to some of my friends (which in a few hours will cease to regard me as their friend). I want to see what the buzz (and the cursing is all about). I think those who missed out on it, please thank your lucky stars.

I played it while sitting, standing, laying on my sofa. I swear there’s something wrong with the game. After using more expletives than a sailor, I decided to just forgo it and watch TV instead.

But as I watched some re-runs of some long distance lovers on TV crying for their love (blissfully unaware of this demonic bird), my heart starts to beat faster. I get anxious. I think I can do it this time. I think if I concentrate on the pipes and not the birds, I can play till I fly past, maybe 20 pipes, at least. It’s ok, the first few times you are supposed to die anyway. I think. I will have to be more aware of the pipes. Why are there exposed pipes in the city? Where is this city?? Why are my fingers so fat???

I scream and shout. It was not the ‘good scream’. It was more of a grunt and a half. Not happy. My friends scream. Not the happy ones when you first see the ‘Mother’ on ‘How I Met Your Mother’. So much fear, disappointment and disgust in that one scream.

I give up. I went to the App Store, download Candy Crush (No 1 reason to unfriend people on Facebook) and Temple Run (will induce Kegel) and Angry Birds. Easy games to make me feel better about myself. To re-affirm the belief that I am good at something.

And then it kicks in. Again.

Just like an itch that you can't stop scratching. I find myself going back to Flappy Bird. This time harder, vigorously tapping on the screen. With desired, often unattainable, precision.

I need to eat, to make myself stronger, faster. I order McDonald's, delivery, of course. Because going out is not an option when you fight evil. No superheroes have stopped what they do (fighting evil) drive to McDonald's to eat.

Also fighting THIS evil, will make your eyes blurry, your palms sweating, all mechanical functions, except your index finger stop working. The police might stop you detain you, for driving under the influence of some substance that will put Justin Bieber to shame.

If you are feeling this, you are not alone. Just read the comments on App Store a.k.a life ruiner, and I guarantee you'll feel normal again.

Yup, that's right folks, never before, since Miley Cyrus's performance on a recent award show, has the world shared the same collective emotions, feelings and madness. Maybe the United Nations should start thinking about making apps.

A friend just send me the cheat:

This is vile. Just vile. I am happy to inform you we are no longer friends.

I want to play this again, to win, and tell the world that I’m good at something.

Alas, in a few hours, this bird (the Flappy Bird) will die (be taken offline) and like the other bird that has driven Edgar Allen Poe into madness, I shall scream: "NEVERMORE".

Rizal Zulkapli has spent the entire weekend playing Flappy Bird. He will now move on to doing better things.