If only I knew I had 12 years with him... - Bunga Citra Lestari

TEN years of experience as an actor has not been able to prepare Bunga Citra Lestari to face the biggest loss in her life.

In an exclusive interview on her YouTube channel, Bunga informed that she accepted the sudden demise of her husband, Ashraf Sinclair, but like any normal human being, there was still some of her who hoped that what happened was just a nightmare.

"When he left, I was able to accept that my husband was gone. But for some reason, I still hoped I was just having a nightmare.

"During my years as an actor, I used to absorb the emotions of loss as the director wanted. Apparently, it did not make me ready to face the real loss.

"A few days after Ashraf passed on, I kept slapping myself, wake up, why am I still not waking up from a dream.

"Ashraf was the first person in my life, who left me. I said, God, I accept and I am sincere. There is not a moment where I am hysterical and cannot accept his departure.

"I'm happy, it's just that the shock is too big," she said in the #BCLMelangkahLagi series, titled Love Story # 2 - Ashraf's Last Days.

The actor and singer admitted that during the period she tried to adapt to the absence of her husband who lived with her for 12 years but she was never angry with destiny.

Instead, what she mourns is the question on how she should go on living.

"I am not angry with God's destiny. It's just that I am in a situation where I 'do not know'

"As long as I live, I am taught to accept whatever the situation is. Whatever happens, acceptance is important for us to move on to the next level.

"I asked because I was thinking about what would happen, especially in my life and my son, Noah. I still have a father, Ashraf's father is still alive.

"But Noah, my son, has lost his father. Where else can I find such a figure for Noah," she said, wiping away tears.

Seemingly calm during the interview with Daniel Mananta, Bunga described the loss of Ashraf made her rethink what she is really looking for in life.

"I am an organised person. I have rules in my life, there is time for family and there is time for work.

"It's not that I regret focusing on a career. But today when I think back, I wonder, why did I 'run' all this time? What am I chasing?

"If I had known my time with him was only 12 years, maybe my priorities would have changed as well. Maybe I did not 'run' like that, in a situation where I myself did not know what I was chasing," she said.

The video, which was uploaded two days ago, has received over 800,000 views at the time of this writing.

Ashraf, 40, died on Feb 18 last year, from a heart attack.